If It Bleeds, It Leads: An Anatomy Of Television News

Disclaimer: Everything you are about to read is true * Hour One: Syndicated Talk (The Actual Program You See Will Vary Depending on Where You Live) 4:00:00 pm Station Identification 4:00:05 pm Opening Montage (Roll Tape) 4:00:35 pm Meet the Hosts 4:05:00 pm Meet the Guests 4:10:00 pm Supply Medical Treatment for the Guests 4:12:20 pm Begin First Protracted Shoving, Punching, and Deleted Dialogue Segment Between Best Friends Who Care About Each Other a Lot 4:13:15 pm Add Fuel to Fire Cue Second Bounder 4:13:27 pm Begin 2-Minute 45-Second Sibling Shoving, Punching, and Deleted Dialogue Segment 4:16:12 pm Add More Fuel to Fire Alert Hospital to Prepare for Injuries 4:18:02 pm Everyone Realizes This Is the Show 4:23:30 pm Prepare to Pay Bouncers Overtime * Hour Two: Live at Five (Dead by Six) 5:00:00 pm Tease 5:00:30 pm Inventing a Riot 5:02:45 pm A Reassuring Segue 5:03:00 pm Only Popular Restaurants Are Dangerous 5:05:50 pm Tease 5:06:00 pm Ad Time-Out: You Will Be on Television 5:09:00 pm Feeling the Barometric Pressure 5:11:45 pm What Ever Happened to the Story About the Breast Implants? 5:12:00 pm Movie-or Reality? 5:15:00 pm The Great Baking Powder Incident 5:15:52 pm Tease 5:16:00 pm Promo 5:16:15 pm Ad Time-Out: You Can Be a Newswriter 5:20:00 pm First Feature: It Could Happen Any Time Without Warning 5:23:30 pm Segue into Terrifying Weather 5:24:00 pm Air Quality 5:25:00 pm Weather Time-Out: How You Can Be a Weathercaster 5:29:00 pm Dessert 5:30:00 pm How Many Times Can One Car Smash into a House? 5:31:40 pm Minor Injuries, Major Pictures 5:32:10 pm Wicked Winds 5:33:55 pm Tease 5:34:00 pm Ad Time-Out: May Is the Cruelest Month. Februarys Not So Great, Either 5:37:00 pm Second Feature: Extreme Sex 5:39:55 pm Whats Really Important in Philadelphia 5:40:00 pm Exactly Why Do They Need Weather Reports in San Diego? 5:42:00 pm Ad Time-Out: You Can Be a News Director 5:45:00 pm Score! 5:47:55 pm Now, an Ad for an Ad 5:48:30 pm Third Feature: Implants {/