What Do These Correlations Know about Reality? Nonlocality and the Absurd

In honor of Daniel Greenberger's 65th birthday, I record for posterity two superb examples of his wit, offer a proof of an important theorem on quantum correlations that even those of us over 60 can understand, and suggest, by trying to make it look silly, that invoking “quantum nonlocality” as an explanation for such correlations may be too cheap a way out of the dilemma they pose.