Pastiche scenarios

Maureen, are you tied up at the moment? Not at all, Professor Dingbat, I was simply idling away a few minutes putting Dr Quintock’s Cultural Studies slides on line for the first years, sending out a reminder that no one has yet paid their ten pounds towards the examiners dinner and trying to revive Professor Lapping’s rubber plant. Jolly good Maureen, you know about this Net Neighbours scheme don’t you? The one where you can do a bit of online shopping on behalf of an older person? Yes, that’s the one. I thought at first it wouldn’t take very long but they’ve given me three to look after and some of them blather on for an absolute age. You wouldn’t believe what I have to listen to, their neighbours kids this and their bilious distress that. You’ve no idea how annoying it is -people blithering away about their problems while you’re trying to get things done! I think I can just about imagine it. Well anyway, I’ve got this cheque through the post from one of my old dears “Old dears”, Professor Dingbat? Dr Quitntock’s slides state very clearly that the term “old dears” is sexist, ageist and offensive. Ah, of course, where would we be without Dr Quintock’s unfailing guidance. Quite right Maureen, well one of my elderly ladies Dr Quintock’s slides go on to note that the term “elderly” is also contested. Age is a social as well as a biological construct. Well what am I supposed to call them? Chronologically challenged? Ha ha ha! Professor Dingbat! That’s just the kind of reactionary humour that has made “politically correct” a term of abuse. Dr Quintock says that “older people” is the phrase currently used by those of us who aren’t quite so keen on being offensive. Well it’s a good thing that Dr Quintock isn’t here then isn’t it? Now listen carefully, one of my coffin dodgers has sent me a cheque to cover the shopping I ordered for her. Make yourself useful and run along to the bank with it sometime this week will you, I haven’t got time myself. Oh and here’s a list of the ones who haven’t paid yet, ring them up and remind them when you’ve got a spare moment or two. (Pastiche Scenario from Taylor 1994)